Thursday, January 31, 2002

I believe fate, in love.. but not in life. I use to think that we change fate and not fate change us cuz I think we have our strength to do what I we wanna do.. acheieve what we’ve always been wanting for when we just put more effort in what we are doing. But has now prove me all wrong? Am I being into a fate like this..and when I feel what I’m going through now sux..

My eyes is smaller and I didn’t put on my contacts cuz it hurts a little. Lie yuen could tell that I’ve been crying again last night , she kept asking me what happened but I really didn’t know how to answer so I just told her that I’m in a war with my dad..

Last night everything was okayz till then after moping the floor the kids just came out running around .. and there was the mess on the floor again..if it’s for u, I’ll bet you’ll be kinda pissed off too huh~ same with me here.. I told them to get off the floor and cuz it’s already 10pm.. I told them to get to bed rite away. Mum was home that moment..so they pull a little long sour face but they still went. When I got into the room looking for the remote controller for the air cond, the batteries were gone.. mood’s not good that day so theres my fault there too.. I asked them who took it and no one answer then I went and ask mum.. she says she havent seen it and maybe the kids took and played with it.. I didn’t say anything sand went straighit into my room. After that she asked the kids out and questioned them who ever took it to admit it straight away before they were gonna get beatings.. my sis was safe cuz she went to school early this morning so there’ll be no one else but my younger bro. My mum asked him did he do it and he keep denying it..
I was in my room the whole while when Im listening , I feel like walking out and say ‘it’s not him’
But my mum insisted it was him.. and I didn’t went out. At last he admitted cuz she keep asking and scolding and gave warnings..even if it’s for me.. I’ll admit it when I didn’t even know whats happening cuz I’ll be damn frightened and that’s what happened to him.. I should have stepped out at that time.. but I didn’t and he got beated.. after that only we ind out that the batteries were left on the bed sheets on the hair dressing table. Mum asked him why did he admit and he says he don’t know.. he didn’t do it..and mum scolded him again for simply admit things he didn’t do.. good gracious~ how can u expect him to know what your talking about when he is just 8 years old.. he is darn confused..
I can’t stand it any longer and went out saying ‘ If it’s me I also will admit lor!’ and return back into my room again. By that time, my eyes were wet, and I heard my dad cursing and shouting that I don’t know how to teach my siblings, and I’m good for nothing and bla bla bla ..and what I heard which hurts me the most is.. ‘ Don’t think you’re the greatest when you just scored a few A’s’ those words just stabbed me like that, it was so pain..and I sobbed under my covers..
Not long I went out to wash my face cuz outside it was so silent and I thought they were asleep..
But they’re still out there watching the midnite news..
My mum went in the wash room and hugged me.. I continued crying when she’s convincing me to stop and dads gonna be really mad..
I keep asking her am I really that useless and god for nothing? What I’m I supposed to do to satisfied them?
When I’m starting to cool down, my dad was in there too.. he asked me ‘ What do you want?!’ in a harsh tone but I just kept quiet, I wanna tell him what I want but I kept my mouth shut cuz I don’t want it to becum from bad to worst.
He said I didn’t do the chores, I didn’t take care of the family, didn’t respect him, didn’t understand understand what he is going through, and acts like a ‘dai siu jie’

Why is that everytime when I did things no one saw it..but when I made 1 small mistake, everyones gonna remember it forever?
I did do the chores , just that everytime after moping the floor it gets dirty again cuz the kids are still walking around..and he sayz I dunno how to mop the floor..
He said I dunno how to take care of my siblings and the house.. everytime I step into home after school.. it’s in a mess.. more like a dog kennel .. the stuff are every where.. and I’m tired of school.. how do u expect me to be calm?? I told them to pick up all their stuf and clean up everything.. if I’m not at home… he won’t even see it in a better condition like now if compared to when I’m not at home…I did what I need to do.. it’s just that he never see’s it.
If I don’t love my sibling’s why should I even be strict on them? Why should I care?? Do they actually know what I’ve been going through?
I don’t respect him? I did call him when I reach home.. but he didn’t answer me..so I assume he is still mad at me.. I don’t wanna talk much cuz I don’t wan to end up quarreling again..and what I get for a return is saying I’m not respectful..

Do they ever know that being in school is not as easy as they think?
Working uses strength, but studying uses brainz.. not just them who faces problems, me too!? I’m a human too.. I got pressure too.. how can I solve all at once??

Is it that when a person whom is no longer in this world will only be cherished and appreciated??
Everything problems main factor is because of money.. if it’s not because of the financial problems were facing.. we won’t be like this..
I hate money, but will never survive without it..

But for those who loves money, they die because of it..
Why is this world turning like this??

I look real weird today.. no one will believe that im okay.
My eyes are real bulging and I’ve got a bad flu with headache..
How am I going to stand this???

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

When will they allow me to change my class?? I can’t really stand this class anymore.. and I can’t stand missing my friends in another class.. It’ve already been such a big gap since I’m a prefect, won’t it be worst when I can’t even see them during lessons ??
Since I’m away, I’ve missed a lot of fun and I feel a little apart away from them..cuz I don’t really know whats happening and what are they talking about..
*sigh~
Don’t really feel good.. tummy aches again and a bit dizzy this time. Guess I’m not pretty used of getting up early as I used to ..

Why am I a totally different person in reality? And why am I having 2 personalities at the same time? Sometimes I’m kinda confused of this, who am I actually? Which is only the real me??
I look quite sick today, but still manage to laugh and 3 8 around ..( but it sound so damn fake)
During PJ lessons I still got the chance to talk with Yen Yen and Lie Yuen and Zzen and also Chin Kuan ( whom looks something like me but even prettier) Yen told me she’ve looked through the Dogmatist page and it was ichiban she told me she saw my message on the message board and informed me that the guy/ gal has replied me and now she’s falling in love with the drawing of Seed and Victor.. ( I prefer Victor more cuz he looks more matured)

Do I sound pathetic?
Sometimes I think I’m like kinda silly .. I myself never understand myself and how can I expect others to understand?
But I really hope someone does..
Just hoping..

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