Wednesday, February 20, 2002

Felt like quitting .. but after I quit, where should I be? Where can I go?
Don't really know since when I've actually beginning to feel sick of this job. Maybe it's not about all the hard work.. it's dissapointment . Howcum that they wont feel any pressure when ' we' seniors did their job for them? In the other hand, they were even happier and glad that their job was done by their seniors.. I really dont understand.

Now I realize that Zzen is in a distance which is really really far away from me.. from Lie Yuen, I heard that Zzen felt the same way too.. she kept saying she's guilty cuz of getting to engrossed with Felicia and that spent very few time with us, or more or less ' me' cuz Lie Yuen has already got Wai Chun. Both of us has no longer interesting topics nor conversation to share with.
She'd also felt that I kinda mind her spending too much time with Felicia and that can't really accompany me to here n there.
I did'nt really know what have I done which makes her felt that way.. but I think it's cuz of me.. and some of my words

I didn't really mind the relationship between them or she, spending much time on who.. I've got no rights to do so. Just that I thought in school we rarely have any chance to have fun as we use to have before , so I thought why don't we go out during weekends and as usual.. she can't . I really really didn't kept it in mind.. I swear~
How I wish we aren't like this.. and how I wish I can be with them once again.

How cum the world is forever so unfair?? Rachel came back to this school, and she filled up 4sc1 . God damn her! Her results are as same as mine, howcum she can enter and howcum I can't? if I weren't apart with them, maybe our gap won't be so far away.. :~ I don't wanna be a stranger to them. It's only with them where the lonelyness within me fade. I don't wanna feel lonely once again. I've had enough of it already.. it's only when I'm with them I felt owned.. where ive got my own friends.. where I’m alwayz being accepted.

I'm afraid sooner or later we will stop talking to each another and someday end up with just saying only 'hi' and 'bye' like Yen Yen said.

Everything including relations which is as valuable as watsoever will not remain forever.. but why is that? Must it alwayz be a memory that'll alwayz be kept inside of me? Are there anything which will remain for eternity?
I've known her since the 1st day I arrive into this school and this was the 1st time stuff like this ever happened between us..

Every precious moments since then when all of us were together.. where we've shared, gave, and get .. when we shed tears n joy will alwayz be kept as memories I promise I won't ever forget.
I know it's forever silly to simply shed tears, but it's the only way when I know what I'm feeling and thinking~ without my tears telling me, I won't really know whether i'm glad or sad.. ( m I a cold blooded animal? )

Tuesday, February 05, 2002

Woke up real late this morning cuz busy finishing up my homeworks since last night. Kept apologizing and apologizing cuz this may be the 1st time I've been so late since last year.
After signing up for duty, I went down to check my assembly duty and it sux. Actually it's kinda okayz but then the form 2 is making a mess out of it again (especially 2G) actually I don't even wanna care bout that class since I've got a 'respected' prefect there, and as usual.. he'll never be there on time and the class is making so much noise and so obvious while checking duties, I've got no other choices since chin kuan is busy with form 3 and 4 so I went to ask them get into their lines and shut up..
2S did as well as the others and except 2G that row is a total havoc especially the guyz.. they don't care at all.. I kept all form 2 down under the sun until I'm happy with their lines.. not long after that.. all gals and most of the guyz are allowed to go except 2S and G they're as if there's worms in their body .. keep wriggling and just can't keep their mouth shut for a second. Zzen, Chin Kuan, Ca Po and Pn Ros was there.. so it'll be fair and square or them and they won't have any prove to say I'm 'pilih kasih'

Zzen suggested we give them 10 rounds round the foyer and another 10 push ups.. and Pn Ros sayz we can do anything we wish so I gave down the order. Everyone ran even those who r innocent because it's their own fault for not lining up properly except Vincent Wong ( the kiddo who called us doggies) he is really unsatisfied and wouldn't wanna run and keep arguing back saying it's unfair , why does his class have to run when other class dun need.. dun blame us for this punishment, who wanna waste precious time on kiddos who like to lyy? I'm not disobeying the rules and power I'm given..and I'm not over the border..so why would I care if I didn't did anything wrong? Anyway you can't go against nor challenge Pn Ros can you? Cuz she's there eyeing on every step their moving.. just wish them luck so they won't end up chatting with Mr Koh.

Everyhing was okayz at home .. no arguments and stuffs.. feel like going out tomorrow cuz Ca Po would like to get a pair of heels .. but don't think I can cuz I'm really broke nowadayz.. need to be more cautious spending my money.. cuz I'm not like those rich kids at school.. not capable in using money without going through my brainz and regret after that..

Sunday, February 03, 2002

Cleant up the living room and my own yesterday, just can't imagined it took me the whole day to finish everything up. The house looks much more better now, more neat and tidy, and I hope it'll last long.
I've got all my posters fixed back onto the wall nicely again..and realized that there are still a lot of posters kept in some of my old folders.

Since it's a holiday, I won't mind giving in some time for this and there are still tonnes of homeworks to be done and I'm darn tired.
Till this morning, mum ask me whether can help her o clear the stocks in the store room or not.. cuz she wants to prepare some space for the stocks she's going to bring back.. and it cost me the whole day too…
I've already done my modern math, bio, chemistry and there's add math which I'm totally blur of ( only can answer a question) and a summary writing (bm) I've promised her to go to Klang tomrrow cuz she needs someone there.. dunno got time to get everything done by Monday or not..

This morning yen2 called and it's really suprising.. she asked me if there's anything wrong and whether I wan to go out or not.. but I can't. when I checked my mails this evening, I received her email ..the things she wrote touches me.. it's indeed true and real.. things she told me is what I use to tell people .. and now I'm listening back to things I've told before… the world is alwayz like that huh~ turning round and round and it'll alwayz turn back to you..

Wherever you go.. and whatever you do you will still return back home…

Ojisan also gave an unexpected call..and why is everyone thinking that I'll even try to end my life?
Life sux, but it's also a time when it's filled with your hope with joy and pain with sorrows .. just depends on how you think it is..
They say angels goes to heaven and devils stay in hell.. actually we're all in hell .. that's what life's meant to be.. if not, we won't be here living in pain with sorrow..
What yen2 sayz is right.. everyone have faced similar problems.. it’s just that the way they solve it and the way they think of it is different ..
Wish me luck.. and gather me hope..

That is all I need what I want.

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