Saturday, March 02, 2002
New Years over, and Mondays exam.. got to get on with my biology after this.there's nothing really special going on these few dayz but because of nothing interesting, everyone look so :( . I don't know what to do when i see Ca Po so unhappy, I'm relly out of idea what to say or what should i do to cheer her up so i kept quiet and so did she and that makes both of us so quiet and so cold.Sometimes I feel myself real useless,when Ca Po asked me questions bout homeworks..I can barely answer her more then half of her questions.Maybe she'll think that I'm stingy with my brainz but actually I'm not..I need help too cuz sometimes I can barely understand a single word bout whats the human in front is talking about.. I'm stupid.. but no one believes it. I don't really know how to describe how's the feeling but I know why. Guess I'm a bit sensitive or wut, I feel people starting to look down on me... cuz I'm not a Sc 1 student. Teachers don't let me handle things as they use to.. people won't even notice me when I'm around or not. I'm back to what I use to be before.. being abandoned from the crowd again , which means loneliness.
In class, I feel real suffocated especially when Hannah's around. I don't know whether I'm begginig to hate her or not, but I really felt like bashing her up. I don't feel good with her stares like a hawks eye on me and words so poisonous as venom. It's real uneasy with her around. I understand that she don't like me much and alwayz being sarcastic in front of me, but I really don't understand WHY?!
She's the suspect of nearly every case which happens in school :~ 1) when Shwu Ying and my things are meddled 2) when ZZen's handphone was missing.
I was kinda upset when I first saw my bag was filled with 'dunno wut' powder but i guess it's okie for Zzen to lost her handphone. Well, she say she doesn't mind..and I think she meant it. Although it's the latest Nokia 8310 ( as if she care) but it's okiez for her cuz it's not her own $$, all phones are supplied by her dad so she won't have to spend her time thinking about that problem and that gave her a chance to own a Nokia 8250 which she's crazing for. Few dayz ago Ca po still ask me whether do I want to know who've been meddling with my stuff or not and I answered " If there's a choice, I'd rather not" and she sayz how come I'm so kind. Well actually I'm not, i don't wanna know who did it cuz I don't wanna start avoiding another person. To have another friend is alwayz better to have another enemy, even if I'd found out who's behind all of this, what can I do? bash him/her up? If I'd really want revenge, I won't make it as easy as this, and definately won't leave it on for the teachers to handle my revenge. I choose to forget and forgive, I'd rather forget it and get on with life and hoping that it'll never happen again .( well~ that's all I can actually do)
Ca Po seems real unhappy nowadays, though she's the someone whom always hide their feelings within themselves but she still told me something bout her probs.
No one will believe that she'll face financial probs, it's obviously really hard to believe. Her dad ( family) owes the bank quite a large sum of $$$$$$$$ for dunno 'wut property and wut land to build wut building ' since 5 years ago. The other family members (her aunt uncle n bla bla bla) suggested that he close down Carmen's to cover up the sum little by little but he objects. Though Carmen's is just a part of the families assets but his heart still ache cuz he's the one handling and managing it for years. It's not that they don't have $$ but there's still a problem somewhere, maybe some misunderstanding or wutever ..who cares?
I don't but I'm worried of Ca Po. She told me that they are looking forward to her grandpa's death so they can inheritate his $$$ and cover up the debts. She loves her grandpa, and she can't bare to loose him.
Ca Po looks so strong in her appearance.. she alwayz seems so cute and funny..happy and free from worries. I can only start to understand her when she's sitting beside me now.She often kept her feelings in mind cuz she don't want people to be worried bout her, she's someone whom will easily feel guilty and was always simply too kind. She's also someone whom will be easily feel touched and being hurt.
This was the 1st time I've heard her saying that she doesn't wanna go home.. and now I realize why most people don't wanna be at home as I do. When they feel frustatedor there are problems thats bothering them, they wanna stay out of home so they can think less and not in need to face more problems like nags and lectures from parents, and noises from kids ( we want PEACE) but not matter wut.. at last, you still have to go home.
I also realized that when some people have problems, they need friends to cheer them up, make them laugh and make them feel happy so they can think less and maybe forget their problems. In the other hand, there are also some people who wants to be left alone , to be given some space to breathe and think of how to solve their problems.I'm not sure of which of this Su Zzen is in cuz she can accept both depending on which condition she's facing and I DON"T KNOW
Heard from Lie Yuen and Ca Po today that something is botherin Zzen. She, too don't feel like going home.
this made us starting to scratch our heads trying to figure out what has happened to her again. Either home, or Felicia.( i call her sheu)
Since there's such a big gap between us now, I guess maybe we can have some talk to mend up this gap.
Once I reached home, I called her rightaway asking whether she's free so we can go to JJ for a walk and she sayz it's okie. Well, I didn't expected her to say 'yes' cuz usually she's either waiting for someones call or her mum wouldn't allow her. We went there to get some revision books and there's where we're back at how we used to be. When i asked her what actually happened, she kept replying ' I don't KNow'
till we were finally sitted down she began her story. She says maybe their going to break up soon and i asked her WHY?! As I knew all along, Zzen do not like her, she loves her, she's following everything she says to please her and gave in alot for this relationship.
Zzen told me that sheu does not believe in her, not a single word. She's starting to speak to her rudely and she don't really care bout her anymore. I've tried convincing her that it's not true, maybe sheu is not in a good mood or wutever that day and she kept saying 'i don't know' she looks real desperate but what can I do?
I'm really that useless huh~
__cherry drips*
3/02/2002 12:37:00 AM