Thursday, August 29, 2002

well, no one called last night..er.. not that i'd remembered.. so no one, i guess..

today.. thought it was was suppose to the same.. muz have got sum anger, then fun, then silly ger.. in the morning ler.. like usual lor..






then during addmaths, the third lesson, lie yuen and ++ came to find me and ca po.. well, actually jeffry cuz he's suppose to bring the camera so dat we can take pics of the whole environment week to prove what we've done and the anual report and stuff liddat... but as usual, he din bring it.. :P is this included in the category of 'irresponsible' humanz?

went round the school, up and down.. from 4th floor to office ( ground floor) then to the next building..then back to canteen then here and there here and there looking for mrs.chuah ( i think she's mrs ..erm..guar) but failed to find her..

then stopped on the 2nd floor, went to the resource room to ask from the .. dunno who.. but dun have too.. since dat we're on 2nd floor, juz opposite art room.. so might as well go n check out who's the winner for the competition yesterday..

ha ha.. as xpected lor.. yen got 1st but unxpected cuz im in the 4th place.. ( never ever tot i might get a place too) and thanx to yen.. for helping me with the colours..
pn naja said, actually can get second 1, cuz the way i place the stuff erm.. (dunno how they call it) quite nice and neat.. but too many blanks ( white) .. nvm lor..
:) better than nuthing cuz this was the 1st competition ive ever joined..


when i went out of the room.. everyone was gone :~ wa~ then went to find them up here and down there.. hai.. then finally found zzen in the lobby.. heheh cuz she lost her way too.. all of them actually found a camera.. but too bad.. it was spoiled.. :P not our fault..
then went all the way back to the 4th floor to tell mano.. duh~ hate her so so much.. :( but sumtimes.. ai.. dunno how to say.. forget it..

haha.. guess what, when i went back to class to get my money.. so might as well ask whether pn haslina got a camera or not.. she actually have it in her car.. :P
went straight down to the car park... took the camera.. take pictures of news paper stacks, the exhibition site, the banners and bli bli bla bla.. ( i hate those perverts guards , wonder how can the school hire such.. guyz which can't give any secure feeling?? izzit cuz their cheap?)

lie yuen, ca po and should be su zzen .. went to take off the stuff on the board ( environment week stuff) cuz the primary teachers are in need to use it ( though we've booked it for the whole week) .. and she as usual.. stand around.. eating .. watching us doind the job.. and made a big fuss out of the pearls in her drink..( it's sour)


went actually not back to class then to their classs.... their preparing themselves for the reciting poem competition.. dunno wan 2 join or not..
they finally went it .. but all nervous, can't get the movements right, trying to memorize the whole thing.. but in the end, as usual... bein delayed.
students went out for lunch.. and we stayed in the hall.. zzen say she dun wanna recite liao.. so i tot of taking over her lor.. trying hard to memorize every word in there ( not easy gar).. then suddenly she stormed into the hall.. saying "ei~ all officers, where are your books ar? got hand them to anyone ar? ( books= attendance book for prefects)" in a very.. erm.. 'kik' tone.. and then said dat 2E class very 'nan gao'.. yeah right, they ARE monkeys.. always running up and down and shouting n screaming like hooligans.. but then, their not bad gar.. depends on the way u communicate with them lor.. sumtimes also need them to give u face.. c how capable u are lor .. ( not tht im praising myself) howcum i can ask them to go down , howcum she can't? hmm.. problems there.. sumtimes... actually most of the time, she's kinda harsh to them.. maybe dats y guar.... sumtimes... also need to understand them gar.. though ppl always humiliate , insult, critisize, or say anything or bla bla to us.. we'll also convince them and make them SEE we're humanz too gar.. same as what their going through now.. just lost the choir singing competition, girls crying, and all dissapointed.. also need to give them chance ge mar.. not always mar.. be more flexibel a bit lor.. ai.. dunno her ler..

try practised with them.... then finally it started.. groups by groups went up the stage.. and as usual , im starting to shake ( nervous mar).. though promised myself need to improve my public speaking..need to start on practising on stage.. but then.. this time really cant stand it.. so hand it back to zzen..
round 3pm liddat evrything gao tim liao.. though theirs is not as good as others ..also not bad lor.. but then at least got do mar.. wanna prove it to mano.. humph~

then went back to class..... actually to their class 1st then only my own actual class....


aiks... kai xien told me ..she've broked up with.. seng hoong.. ai.. problems? dunno er.. but as usual.. :P we'll see it as the guyz fault.. (not me ar, im always considerate to a guy.. hehe.. well.. at least i've tried to think and be in a guys shoe)

though..sumtimes gotta admit.. i like guyz.. (not a guy, but guyS) .. i'm still a librian, falls for sumone easily, but take ages to think whether he's the one.. :P ( not trying to be superstitious, but then dats the fact, dats me ) ~_^

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

thingz.. r going on... well? (dun think so)

from the day before yesterday, means monday.. environment week 'was starting' then early in the morning during assembly, we put everything up.

well, sumthing DID spoil my mood, bout what? .. urgh, bout zzen lor, heard chin kuan and eunice and nearly everyone saying how she 'insulted' this thingy.

eunice told me ler.. erm.. what liao.. 'u know what su zzen just did in the prefect room ar? she went into it in a very 'kik' manner and said.. " what happened to the exhibition for environment week ?! everything looks like shit" '

humphh.. she didnt really do anything, erm.. other than posters.. ask her to stay back during friday got tonnes of xcuse lar.. fine lor.. now need to giv this kinda 'compliment' or not ar.. :( wanna give comment also can use more polite words guar.. it hurts you know? xpeacially to the one who's doing everything.

after dat, she skipped assembly by helping us out.. then give alot alot of comments.. ( feels like being humiliated, by a good friend) .. worse of all, before we leave after everything's nearly finished.. i asked her where's her bin ( tiny recycle bins she made) then she's like annoyed replying me with an unsatisfied tone, " what wor, i say now dun have white paper lor! later only give you lor~" i was.. shocked.. how could she.. :( im juz asking, or maybe she's thinking that im trying to be funny.. dunno dun care..

what should i do?

forgive and forget? SURE~ (i'll try) cuz i would never wan anything like evon's case happen again ( though i believe it will sumday)

i've forgotten bout it easily, then thought of going down to the lab to get my art project done.. duh~ IT lab not opened..so gotto go home lor..
but then. din went home straight away too.. we went down to shakey's in JJ ( as we usually do) and dig into salads.. :) ( our fave place and fave food)













yesterday..



day was not bad ( at 1st) .. in school, continued with the environment week stuff.. then.. bla bla..

lie yuen's gonna stay back, so as darling, and chin kuan.. cuz need to get things done for the poem dunno wut competition.. it sux

then.. we met in the IT lab lor, get things done and went back to (their) class .. i was like.. erm.. dunno what when i heard that zzen was supposed to stay back too.. duh!~
for volleyball practise? well.. actually go yum char.. ( what a great xcuse) with whom? we all know..

round 4.30 pm.. we went down to wait for lie yuens mum.. during that half an hour.. god knows what we're doing.. joking and ACTING liek small kids..
wahoa~ :P still in my uniform and still can play like a 3 year old kid.. man that was cool..
we're like " no darling, you can't leave me.. i need you~ no, don't seperate us.. we can't live without each other.. then gave innocent killing stares ( lie yuen) really can laugh like hell.. my tummy aches liao.. :) and ppl around think dat we've ran away from the tanjung rambutan or wutever goin crazy.. , the hell i care whetehr ppl care.. :) as long as im having fun..

then .. yen went to my place.. wanna watch winter sonata ( our fave korean drama) before she goes home..means should be 8pm .
we went to my room.. got nuthing to do, so start digging into things to read ..

and that's my

diary..

should say as X-diary.. hehe.. cuz it was since 1998, 4 years ago.. when im in std 6.. where life really start to mean sumthing to me..

it was funny, i mean really funny when we read back bout my crush.. and it's unbelievable that i was close to agnes and hannah before.. laugh all the way through the pages..


and also cant believe that i actually let her read it.. nvm ler.. also long long time ago liao.. :) no big secrets..
it's as if we're now in our mid 40's reading back our teen years diary.. felt so childish and funny and old at the same time..

for myself, can't believe im that faithful ehehhe... though he's juz a crush, i still need 2 years to forget him completely.. compared to the me now.. :P
btw, talking bout faithful, im really anticipating to watch 'unfaithful' starring richard gere.. Mmmm.. hehe..

then there's a phone call for me.. by? loo kuan.. erm.. should be net friend i guess, telling me he can't send his pic, cuz.... dun wanna be known ? guess so~
:) it's not tht i want his pic desperately.. juz wanna c how sumone with such a voice ( my type) look like.. well.. no offence, cuz nomatter wut.. still need to respect.. yes~ so i wont ask anymore.. no~

7pm finally came, we went out to the living room and my grandma went back .. watched winter sonata peacefully while having dinner..
and she finally went back right after the show.. ( can't believe dat she's the 1st fren who've stayed in my house for more than 30 minutes)











urgh~ round 8.30, feel like updating my page.. asked him ( my younger bro) to let me use it.. he's.... he's.. too much..

ask me till when.. damn it.. can't he get a grip ler? he's treating the pc as a machine ( well it is~) but then machine also need to rest ge mar..
turn it on from night till day .. day till night.. really beh ta han.. if spoil liao both also cannot use..havent he ever thought about it? stupid~

i can't control my temper anymore.. felt like bursting.. shouting , screaming, whatever will do.. but i didn't .. told him to take out the ram and discdrive cuz it's mine.. ( from my own pc) he did, and i took away the mouse and stereo too..humphh.. grr.. felt like being a tigress liao.. but no~ cannot, MUZ control.. nvm lor.. since he's so stupid..

didnt he realized we still need each other? i need to use the pc and he needs my disc drive.. like what they say in canto 'yat yan yong yat pou'
if not then ' ngo zou chor yat, nei zou sap 5' :P
we're like cats and dogs since the day he's born.. :P always fighting and quarreling and.. bla bla bla. .. cool siblings huh..

what im worried now is.. can't mirc and icq any more ( but can save alot of $$$).. and all of my drawings.. my sketches.. my pictures.. my songs.. my beautiful songs..
:~ will he delete it?
i havent even heard the new songs ive downloaded.. unchained melody, soundtrack from winter sonata.. *sob sob.. i dun wanna miss a thing.. when i need you.. just when i needed you... the oldies ive downloaded.. wo hai neng ai sui.. urgh~~ no~

:( feel like tearing myself apart now.. shit..

but then sumthing did cheered me up.. not much but it helped..

ben called.. hmm.. sum kinda guy with really really fluent english.. i mean really realy really fluent.. :P make my tongue tie knots talking with him..











then.. today, got art competition.. 1st art competition thingy ive ever joined..
sad~ cuz dunno what to draw.. not good with paints and colours.. and dun feel like embarassing myself..

in the end.. also got join.. cuz yen also join... die then die ler.. the hell i care.. teacher also dun mind ge ler..


yen drew.. potraits of prime ministers.. with charchoal.. and she's always good at it.. me? childish or kinda xtremely childish drawings.. like... lrt's.. flags... humans.. hibiscus.. and.. klcc.. ( hey~ klcc and lrt is related ger~)

bout the painting stuff.. i hate it.. i hate my drawings with colours.. cuz .. admit it.. im stupiak~ :P (with colours) i've i lay any thing which have to do with colours on it.. it'll spoil everything..
:(

darling finished fast, well.. faster than me.. and she came to help out.. .. putting in more maturity into it.. ha~
:P
owe it to her.. :) but then.. she's my darling..not real darling.. but then still darling.. hehe..

she's also bz.. bz 'ying chao' pplz compliment bout her talents.. admiring things she draw..
wahoa~ she's good.. really good...
got the musical talents, artistic sense, scientific (and unlogic sumtimes) brainz.. admire her? sure i do.. but sumtimes felt myself even useless tim~
dunno dun care..

:( not in a good mood today ( not really bad but not really dat good either) so, think ive ill treated ca po a bit.. ... how can i do dat to her?~

felt bad? yeah.. ( i guess) :( dunno why humph.....unxplainable..









now?
still in the IT lab, (cuz no pc to use liao mar) .....
feel like talking now.... wondering who'll call me when i reach home?

Sunday, August 25, 2002

On- 23.8.02

chin kuan went to the Kuala Rompin 4 the prefect leadership traning camp (sumthing liddat) and she's the only form 4... so cham~ actually wanna go with her..but then
1.cuz dunno why, felt worriedbout her being lonely ( though believe tht she could survive with it)
2.wanna pull everyone in the board together, so the prob wif jk n others can be solved
3.dun wanna dissapoint mr.wong, can c he've put alot of effort in it

but then, also got a few problems lor..
1.$$.. Rm 350 wor.. where 2 get wor..fall from the sky mer~
2.saturday got a real 'jeng' plan liao
3.sunday promised mum that ill be working for her
4.say wanna start to ganbade in studies but till now also haven't even started
5.enviroment week.. DUH~

bout the money ler..actaully it can be solved,not tht my parents can dig out rm350..
from the begining i also din plan to go ,cuz.. rm350, no one from form 4 is goin, got real cool plans on saturday, clashed with it . then will be missing lieyuen and yen2. but then yesterday chin kuan suddenly say i will only need to pay hlf of the price 2 go but i still think its xpensive ( still a 3 digit number)

then she say .. rm100 lor, she'll pay the rm50, crazy ar~ she thinks she's reall rich mer.. she still need money to go to japan gar..of course i've pushed dat offer away. hen she went to alk to mr. wong bout it.. and came back.. telling me it's FREE, wow.. guess mr wong really wans us 2 go badly.
she stuffed her h/p 2 me so i can ask my parents bout it.

actually not tht im stingy, but tht sum of money is really not easy for me to get. if i'd really wanna go ..m parents will try to give it to mebut then i still need to sacrifice (part time job) but i know they won't b happy bout it.. as in the condition we're in now, still wanna go here go there.. even a pair of boots i've always wanted only cost rm89 ( boots wor) they also started to grumble n mumble liao..
but i really need it cuz my old 1.. is .. really really really .. old.. suan le ba~

then mr. wong say wanna confirm whetehr i can get tht 'privelege' be4 the school end. so, after bio, went to see him in the prefects room. too late~ he sa if i go, 1 of the teachers in charge can't go ..
and ofcourse i say nvm lo.. :P if i din go, i was planning to help out lie yuen to set up the xhibition site for environment week. till now .. everythings not completely done yet.. humph~
the on saturday go VI,after that to yens house to 'gao tim' the rest of the environment week stuff..

going to VI ler.. cuz wanna wear the new unifom.. hhehehe.. :P cost RM 64 ler..if din wear like dun worth it..
then wanna c chongkit .. a primary classmate.

but then now ler.. yen dun feel like going.lie yuen dun feel liek going, so i also dun feel liek going anymore..nvm lor.. during the conference in Glod Coat also can wear.. :P
so lie yuen will just meet me at my house round 8.30 am and go to yens place. hope its gonna be fun..

yesterday ler.. got commitee meetingduring lunch in the prefects room.. we're discussing bout.. not enuff prefects afetr the f3 step down.. trying to figure out ways to make good use out of everyprefect we hae. i kept my mouth shut all the while, cuz no point voicing out when she kept cutting off everything i say.. it hurts..cuz she's still a friend..though we're talking serious on our job..she always gave ideas, but in the end.. onl leaving everything behind for us to do.. (sounds like back stabbing ar?) but then thts thts what i can't stand .. :( not taking me seriously, as a friend.. and as one of the board member. dunno y, she's like.. not as clsoe anymore, can't understand her liao...
and now i noticed, even though last time she hate evon so muchcuz she let go our friendship for japherd but now she herself is also kinda same. i can bet she's willing to give us up for PS. last time Sheau and now PS.. * da hell i care.. humph~

not just dat, wats making me boil is..she's encouragng Ca po too.. shit!! and ca po dunno how to rejectppl ger.. :( I DUN WAN~
capo told me, not the whole story but part of it.. she doesnt seem to be happy at all.. and its really bothering her* so sad~

i dunno what to do.. how to cheer her up.. now both of them didnt say a word to each other for the whole day.. die lor.. should i tell lieyuen bout it?

can start to feel the gap between us and both of them AGAIN.. like whenever we're haning out, its just me , lie yuen, yen and chin kuan. both of them? .. dunno ler..

so.. being frank, whatever i do, i only have 3 of them on mind now.. (mou leong sam?)

SHIT~ enviroment week, can't afford to lose thin time.. it's all bout the mano.. duh~ HATE HER BUT SUMTIMES PITY HER.. SHE'S MAKING HER LIFE AND OTHERS LIFE SUX.. cant she ge a grip?

this project is suppose to be my 1st project as a com. service dir.. humph~ what if i really can't handle it?

Thursday, August 15, 2002

Ughhh~ I've been a cryin bag since the last few dayz.. what actually happened?
i don't actually know.. just don't feel good and god damn tired. I know it's pointless to make such a complaint cuz I can see others have more jobs to be done than me.. but .. I'm still tired. It's needless to think so much, making myself feeling pressure given.. but.. when you don't bother to think, what more to solve it?

prefects..

interact..

studies..

and myself..

Sunday, August 11, 2002

Saturday, August 10, 2002




THE END last version







i don't know how to start...



it hurts... i have never felt greater pain than
this... it really really hurts...i have been crying for the last afternoon
already... bawling my heart out...i m in great pain... never have i cry like
this before...not when i miss my mom too much...not when i felt helpless when
yee chen don't give a damn about me...not when i get bad results... only .HIM.
jingxiang.







yea...he never sms me.. i sensed the change in
him.. i knew already he doesn't love me anymore...at least not as much as last
time..i knew from yesterday when i felt so lonely.like a solitude...who is
always depressed but never a drop of tear.. but ... m i a solitude
now?...back like a solitude??



cuz solitude don't cry like that.. i screamed
in anger and pain in tears as my heart broke and tear over and over again....as
the knife stab and stab mercilessly at my already battered heart..or wha tis
left of it.



if i knew love is going to be this painful...



love is so fragile...easily broken...
friendship is much much more stronger.. you can break up with a guy whom you
love for a week..but not with friends whom you know till the day you die.







i don't believe in love anymore..







i'll never love again.. never ever.



this is the last time i write here as a person
who can cry. after this...i m going to be a merciless person. no feelings..



i'll go thru my life.. as a solitude...and
always will be..no love.i don't want it anymore.



i can never love again.i don't have a heart
anymore. he broke it.



all these words are from my feelings..



it still hurts..











today.. i woke up...checked my hp..no sms..
dissapointed. sad. angry. whatever.went to cheng yee's house.. at 7 am...saw
chin kuan...lie yuen.went sungei wang with them..



went into a cd shop... a miracle happens. i
found that damn cd.in a great mood.



the one.. calmi cuori appassionati.. bought
it.. can't help but listen to it... the music..so beautiful it made my eyes
brimming with tears.i have never listen to more beautiful music in my life. each
piano chord pressed deep down on my heart..hurts everytime.. every violin string
vibrates as the string pulls on it.. drag its sharp narrow string in my heart..
so beautiful.



then..i got it again. the solitude disease..
suddenly wanted to be lonely.. so i kept quiet.. until they realized.. and
damn..this hurts...chin kuan told me that i m spoiling their day..spoiling their
good mood.. it hurts.. hell...this is me.



the real me. if they can accept it last
time..why not now? lie yuen told me that she don't like the old me when we are
going down the stairs.. i thought.. are they going to desert me if one day i
turn into something worse??...i realized.. that .. that's what friends are for..



entertaining. they make friends so that
their life can be happier..



but.. i also thought.. they said it this
way...only because they wanted me to be happy....



but i can't. i really felt blank.



only cheng yee understands..and never said
anything..though her face shows.







then..we went to take photos.. force a
few smiles.. then we went walking..until it is 12.30...then i asked ly and ck
whether do they wanna go tuition onot. they told me. if i smile and be
happy..then they'll stay.







i feel so tortured when they say that. i
thought i don't have to act around them...but it seems that i have to. i felt so
painful... so very pain. i force myself to be happy.. so difficult.. i have
never act like this before...cuz i thought i can be myself when i m with
them....so very painful... it's like they are forcing me.







fuck me!. i hate myself. can't i think
positive,?? that all they want is for me to be happy????



at 4 something..they left... the moment they
are gone..i breathe a huge sigh out. cheng yee beside me..



she asked me whether i had anything to tell
her. i told her that i had lots of things. i m so grateful that she's my friend.
but i had too much on my mind that i can't blurt it out. i told her i felt that
jingxiang don't love me as much as before already.. and i couldn't go on
anymore.. she told me i m just thinking too much. i told her no and that i knew
...cuz i just felt that jingxiang had just given back the heart that i gave
him..back to me.



then..i realized...that the cd i bought is
gone. we went around looking for it..from every single place we go.



in my heart at this time..was......



what i am not destined to have is bound to
be gone..but at least i have the chance to listen and appreciate it.. like yee
chen..i m not bound to have him.. and he was never mine.. so... no hurt..no
pain...no love. ...but jingxiang is different...hell...i have never love someone
this deep before...was he mine???...i have never look into his eyes...hold his
hands..touch him..love him...i have never...only words.. connected us. and damn
it!! it's not enough!... can't even appreciate him...now he's fading into
history already...



during this period..my mind was clouded by my
own thoughts..i didn;'t know where to go to look for it.. thank god for cheng
yee..she suggested places...and looked for it as if its her that lost the cd.. i
m so touched. she brought me here..there...to the bra shop that i bought my bras
and panties..asked for it...then to secret recipe ...where we ate tiramisu and
lasagne... keep giving me high hopes...when i don't have any left in me...then
to the photo studio..where we took photos..i asked for it..and another
miracle!...its there.!!



if something i wanted and its lost and
gone.. if i had the hopes and heart to look for it...it'll be there...and can be
found... that's when i realized...eventhough jingxiang..and i are not that
close anymore. .. but if i had teh heart and make him love me like last
time...it can be done... it really can be done... thank you..cheng yee.. for
giving me a lesson for life.



i can never thank her enough. when i lost
my handphone...she helped me phone every taxi station and asked for it..even i
have no hopes of finding it back... i felt grateful..and owed her my
everything..



then we went back to sungei wang..she saw nicky
chung...a local singer..and wanted to see him.. eventhough i wanted badly to
tell her that i m tired..and my feet is sore...which is true..but i really want
to do something for her.. so i watched him with her.. and they announced that
they will be having an autograph session later..



when he went in to rest...i told her that i can
sketch him for her... and let him autograph the portrait..and she looked at me
in surprised.. at least what i thought her expression was... we went to the
bookshop..bought 2 papers..went into a music shop...stand infront of his cd
cover..i took out my pencil and started sketching...



i have never sketch spontaneously before...i
did..but...it never turn out right...i pray to god to let me get this right this
time.. no matter what..i'll repay him back..i sketch and sketch...thru 3 songs..
i remembered..and a few people walked past us.. she looked on.. i felt ..um..
show off... i don't like this feeling..but hell.. for her?...why should i care.?



amazingly... after the 3 songs.. it turned out
like him.. i thanked god...and rushed down with her.. back to the stage.



saw him sing a few songs.. and they announced
that they will start the autograph session now... but only for people who bougnt
the cds and cassettes..which she didn't...i..we was determined..but the stupid
lady told us no.. oh... to hell with her...i m not going to let this shit
spoil her day... i showed the guy in front and he motioned us to go up the
stage..



got his autograph..haha..first fan to sketch
him..i guess..he look abit surprised ...happy..maybe.. asked who sketched it..i
said i did..and he thanked me..



when we left the stage..cheng yee keep telling
me she want to kiss me...hug me...cry... for dunno how many hours..
ok...ok...minutes...i exaggerated...



i did it not because she's my friend...and i
hate myself for it..its because of guilt. i felt as if i owe her so much..too
much that i can never repay her back..sketching and getting his autograph is
nothing to me... we became closer after this..incident..



me..a lesbian?...na... though we sometimes hold
hands..and call each other..dear..darling.. but no way.



inside..she's nothing compare to jingxiang.
really.. nothing at all.. sorry cheng yee... its such a shame and its also lucky
that we are both girls who are interested in guys.. shame because we can
really have a future together..lucky..cuz.. we can find someone better than
each other...yea..guys.. also lucky because i love jingxiang.



then we went to brewball to meet up with suzzen
and her friends.. watched them play pool.. god...honestly..they are
lousy..not that i m good anyway.. they offered to let me play...and to teach
me.. but i rather remain stupid about it..and let jingxiang teach me next time..
much much more pleasure.. since he said he'll put his head on my shoulder..hands
on my hands.. heaven..



i ordered henneiken.. booze myself in a short
time... can't walk in a straight line.. got drunk.. couldn't help it..i
remebered him telling me not to get drunk... but...................i don't
know...i really don't know...i felt that i really needed some alcohol to make me
happy...hell...was i wrong.



i couldn't help it...this few miserable nights
when he never sms me ..i never sms him... thinking i won't sms him anymore if he
don't.

i finally took out my hp and sms him.. maybe i did it because i m drunk.. but i
really tried to control it ..and remain sober and silent so that i don't talk
nonsense in front of my friends.







he never reply.







me and cy left and headed for strudels...my
fave place..but...i m over my head...and i rested there...both of us silent..
thank god...she never force me to smile and laugh like the others.. i m human..
i get depressed too. we sipped apple bubble tea in silence.. and i finally asked
her what i have been asking myself all this time... if i can die for jingxiang...why
can't i go to singapore and look for him???



she told me.. that i'll be dissapointed if i
do... cuz.. i'll be happier if he look for me..instead of the other way round.

and also asked for confirmation...whether will i really die for him... i told
her no... i can do much much more than that.. she told me that she doesn't want
to see me on the papers one morning with headlines... girl die because of net
friend.



damn!.. it hurts...net friend.



i ignore the phrase and told her i can really
do more than that..something girls treasure more than life..and will rather die
than to have it taken away.



she doesn't understand...told me that she
haven't been in so deep before...



silence again...then she told me that i looked
as if i can cry any moment...i didn't know how to answer her..and just told her
i won't...i can't.



we went back home...i was feeling sober...kinda..
kinda...maybe



back home..went into my room..listened to the
cd again..and i broke down.







after being hurt so many times in just 12
hours... ck and ly forcing me to smile..and be happy..saying i m spoiling the
mood...just to see me happy for forcing themselves not to go tuition...jingxiang
never sms me..the near lost of the cd... the sketch i did in public in less than
20 minutes for the first time.. seeing cy so touched and happy.. she saying me
and jx are just net friends...



i m angry.. angry .... not at them.. not at
ck.ly..or cy.. or jx...but at me..



why the hell m i so selfish????



is this normal?



i mean.. all they want is for me to be happy..
and i tried and tried but i can't.



i really have felt happiness before.. when me
and jx are close together.. at heart..i mean.. but i realized.. that
everyone..including them..sees us as net friends..and nothing more than
that...even jx.. i remembered in one of his emails.. he said that we are just
net friends..



m i really just a net friend to him???



he...is everything to me.



my future...my friend...my love..my
life..everything i live for.. eat for..be tired for...i love him..as a
boyfriend.. never as a net friend or a friend..



but.



what do i mean to him??



what????



i couldn't stop crying.. i really
couldn't..even now..



i felt so hurt...so painful..so foolish.. so
stupid.. loving someone that i don't even know whether he love me onot.

but those words....those words...he said to me.. are they true???



i wanted so much for him to call me..and tell
me that he love me..and will never leave me...and that every single thing he
said to me is true.











but..no.....i cannot hope anymore.. i don't
have any hope left in me.

all my hopes of him..and our relationship have been crushed and clouded by
dissappointment. far too much dissapointments..



i m tired...angry at myself...for being so
selfish.. sad...and very much hurt...and in pain.. i cried thru the whole cd..
but i feel as if my heart is crying...not my eyes..



i have never been so damn hurt before.. if i
know love is like that... i won't love in the first place.







now... i understand. everything
perfectly....every little thing.



i love him. i always have.but i couldn't give
him what he wants...or what i want.



i m selfish... i care for myself more than i
care for others...but i also feel guilt...and this is what makes me care for
them more...do more things for them than for myself.



i can never love again... never ever..cuz i
believe that in a life of a person..they only have one love.. and they can only
give it to a person. i have given it to him and i didn't regret. he taught me
how to love.. i have never love before...not my ex...not yee chen..only him.



i will never believe in love.it hurts too
much... eventhough the pleasure it gives is worth it...my heart is really
battered..i can't take any of this anymore..



i'll just live my life from now on.. for him.

and accept the fact that there is no correct
answer for every question..just opinions from different perspectives...





like when people asked me..m i in love..and do
i have a boyfriend?...i'll tell them...to me..yes,eternally... but to him..i
don't know..i may be a friend to him....to my friends... they'll peobably
think this is one of my flings and i will get over it.



the opinions mature as i grow up.. and it'll
change...but the fact that i love him..never will...i;ll never marry..unless...
a miracle happens...and he happen to love me...



i never want him to see this.

he'll probably feel guilty and say he love me...be faithful to me.even if he
don't want to.



in the end...i didn't break my promise... i
still love him..even i feel pain so great...and even if he never email..icq..or
sms me....its him...did he break his?



always in love with
him.yesterday.today.tommorow.always.



THE END of my journey to my heart.




- nikki long, 5:53 AM


---------------voices of yen2s heart.. read it over and over again..not knowing whether im feeling sad, guilty,helpless, i don't know what i should really do..
im not sumone filled with feelings.. guess dats y i still havent understand her.. but i really dun wan her to feel bad.. i have not a single idea how to cheer her up.. by not forcing her.. torturing her.. like wut she hates.. she thought that i'd understand and that's why i didn't ask her to smile.. but that's not true.. it's because i did not know what she want.. and that's why i chose to shut up.. and i don't understand.. the love she have for him.. he changed her.. into someone new by letting her know that she's been loved.. and she's starting to love.. but now.. he's dissapointed her.. bringing her back to a solitude.. i never knew what does a solitude mean.. not till now.. when i see how torturing loneliness brought her.. i'm helpless.. i don't want her to feel guilty to me.. i want her to know i really care.. i didn't know that my words had hurt her.. but i want her to know.. part of it is true though it's hard to believe.. i want her to be herself.. not a solitude.. and i always believe.. no one will ever be a solitude when they don't want to be... we've never been so close till now.. but.. i still can't figure it out.. i can't figure her out..

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