Sunday, June 29, 2003

I’m back with ….

Me : second semester liao .. really can’t afford to lose this time.. so I’ve made a promise, not to anyone else but myself. Believe it or not, I’ve cut down my dates .. erm..hehe seems like turning down quite a number of people in another word..
Well.. definitely won’t quit onlining but at least won’t be hanging round too often..yeah.. I mean real often, J gonna use those extra time on my studies..and whatever excuse I’m gonna make, it’s for my studies.. Wou.. you people must be thinking that I’m joking, well.. I’m also not sure bout this myself..so you guys better back me up, yeah~ cummon!~ don’t try pulling me down to the floor, I’ll need your support.. very very much..
Where the hell will I be after graduating in this school? No idea~ humphhhh~
Mum’s right, sending us to this school was a mistake a real big 1..cuz what they thought of was just the short term when they can still afford it, but not the long term, till when I’m gonna graduate and continue for further education. In a school with filthy rich schoolmates ain’t a really good idea afterall..cuz ya still can’t hide yourself away from being compared, comparing and being envious..
Look, most of the people here’s heading to Sunway , Taylors, and colleges which cost you a fortune to enter in ..and out of Malaysia.. Aust..UK..US.. Canada and you name it... who the hell here will ever think of entering tar? Erm.. me maybe, well.. I’ve never thought of it till recently..
I’ve got ambitions too ya know.. like being a phsycologist? But it seems so impossible, well.. it’s exactly impossible, and unaffordable.. I’ve always wondered.. why does that always happen to me when I’ve a target to get hold with.. maybe that is why I’ve lost interest in all subjects since I realize it’s just impossible..
Am I thinking a lil bit too much here? Don’t think so, cuz if I don’t start to have a target to strive on.. bet I won’t start to realize how important SPM will be to me.. I’m just simply floating above sea, not knowing where I’ll land on .. duh.. hate to think bout that..
Few nights ago, talked to mum bout Lynn’s life in Melbourne, it was suppose to be a chat.. but ended up quarelling again..it’s always like that when I’m trying to talk her into this..
I‘ve never mentioned I’ve got any intention of studying abroad (though I’m dying to have this kinda chance) … but she’ll keep insisting that I’m being envious and suggest that why don’t I just go on and find a rich parent to be adopted… those words stung like .. poisonous needles.. she’s my mum, why can’t she at least try to comfort me or gimme some morale support when I needed it even if she don’t have any comments to gimme?
I feel lost sometimes, there’s no one giving me any idea what’s gonna happen and advices which I desperately need.. thinking over what she’s said, maybe it’s true, I’m being envious.. but I’ve never blamed them for not giving such chances.. but I don’t think it’s my fault either..
Been thinking, where’s my destination after graduating high school?
………………..studying somewhere outta my own homeland, alone.. going through life which I’ve always been dreaming of, having a peaceful and lonely times on my own, being independent ( think I’m already very independent)…
……………….studying in a local college on a course or subjects I never thought of getting involve with.. in Mass Com maybe.. but hopefully I won’t regret once I set it as a target.. and working a the same time for some extra money so won’t need to reach out hand for money from my parents s often.. and maybe will rent a house somewhere if it’s affordable .. don’t wanna be tied in this family for the rest of my life.
…………………quit all studies and work.. for myself..and the family.. which is what I pray so it won’t happen.. cuz if studying for these past 15 years and the result is this.. then why study?

Friends: everything’s fine.. I guess.. cuz it’ve always been liddat.. nothing much had happened..the only problems we have is.. not being frank..cuz we thought of is getting one of us hurt .. and ended up hurting our ownselves.. while the ‘one’ still isn’t sure what she’ve done. Admit it.. we’re falling apart.. and I thought it was something which is meant to be.. have no idea how to keep these beautiful memories we once had..
J suddenly remembered how much they’ve cared for me.. it’s so sweet to have such friends to stand by me.. and how silly of me to think that they don’t care at all.. it’s just that there are still times when I wanted to be alone.. far away from everyone..

Life: it hates me.. but I’ve never hated it..

Monday, June 23, 2003

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Monday, June 16, 2003

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